This took me a long time to write. I would like to say that I was busy (which I kind of was) but the truth is I had no idea where to begin or what to say. I wanted to write something that was deep and meaningful or witty and funny. I landed on writing something honest and hoping that at least one person found it interesting enough to look away from the current Snapchat filter of the day and read til the end.
Let’s start by saying this, I am not a model. I am not even a person who likes to post gratuitous selfies in my bathroom mirror. TBH, that is partly because I don’t like taking pictures of myself and partly because I live in fear that someone will notice how long it has been since I cleaned my shower. But nonetheless, I went on this boudoir journey. I found Lindsay through a friend of a friend on FB and decided that I wanted to see if she could make me look like the obviously professional models she had already shot. I hope you, reader, know I am kidding. Lindsay makes everyone look like the goddess/model they truly are.
It is incredibly difficult to be a woman these days. If you are strong and outspoken, you’re bossy… a bitch. If you are quiet and understated, you are uptight… a bitch. And don’t even get me started on the thin line we have to walk between slutty and modest. With all this in mind, I felt like I needed an excuse to take the pictures. They would be a gift for my future husband! Tada! See, its not really for me, its for him. The running dialogue in my head was that it was completely narcisstic and conceited to spend money on myself. And then to have pictures of myself hanging around my home?!?! I’ll never live this down with my girlfriends. In retropect, I should have worn my decision with pride.
There is no joking about the experience the day of taking the pictures. Not that it isn’t fun or even at times funny, but I don’t want to make light of it. Lindsay and Erin are warm, kind, generous and completely comfortable with someone parading around in stilettos and little else. Their generous nature made me feel so comfortable that I was almost able to ignore my inner neurotic, trying to scream through the whole time. She broke through only a little when I couldn’t stop a slightly quivering lip. Lindsay assured me the camera couldn’t see it and she would make sure any glimpse of my nerves would be edited out.
Once I was done I left feeling accomplished and excited. I also left with a full face of makeup and my hair done so I was feeling good and looking even better. Insert the raise the roof emoji here. Then, I slowly deflated. I had seen Lindsay’s pictures and I couldn’t possibly look as good as those women. Could I? They were skinnier, prettier, professional, more confident. I am so glad Lindsay does the reveal. I can honestly say that I almost didn’t recognize myself at first. Not because the photos didn’t look like me but because I couldn’t visualize myself to be as beautiful as Linsday had captured me. Lindsay assured me it was, in fact, me and that was the person she saw.
Let me just say, if I had all the money in the world, I would have wallpapered my apartment with those pictures. I’d put them on my dishes so I could find me staring back from the bottom of my cereal bowl after my fruit pebbles were gone. It is not gratuitous and narcisstic to go through this experience. It is empowering. I stopped making the excuse that I did this for my husband. (Although he thoroughly enjoys the photos, as well.) I did this for me and for every burger and ice cold beer I continue to consume. I don’t need to be a certain size or have a certain skill level to look like the women Lindsay shoots because I am one of those women. I am in the company of a group of women who have made the conscious decision to love themselves and to surround themselves with photographic evidence of their beauty.
Thank you Lindsay and Erin, you are truly special people with amazing gifts. I know I may joke, but this is worth EVERY PENNY. In fact, I am sure that if we did the math, I owe these two more. They have given me an invaluable gift. The gift of self-assurance and confidence in my own body. I am not sure I could ever repay you. – XOXO