A Self Love Experience - Boudoir New York

It is my job to help the client unwrap that protection around themselves. It’s not my job to rip it away. It’s not my job to force you into doing something that makes you uncomfortable, but just gently give you a push outside of your comfort zone with a rope that you know I’m holding and here to pull you back if you need.

Here’s what Miss S has to say about her Self Love Experience:

“16 and pregnant. My whole world stopped on a dime. Everything I thought my world would be like went out the window. You were/are my whole world there was no more me me me it was all about you.

I dropped out of high school to work full time to support you. Shortly after I married your dad who I was head over heels in love with…only to find out he cheated on us shortly after. My world was crushed. I was heartbroken. Left feeling inadequate and un- pretty, once you lower that bar it is pretty hard to pick it back up.

Soon I sought refuge in two abusive relationships. I felt lower then I had ever felt before in my entire life. I felt worthless, ugly, defective and I couldn’t help but think what was wrong with me?

The end…

I broke free from my last abusive relationship and never looked back. I found worth in myself again and my self esteem began to grow. I still placed myself on a back burner. Here I was now a mother of 2 working my ass off. Independent for years no need for a man. I showed my kids what a strong independent women looked like.

Finally I met the man of my dreams, we are married now and I am the mother of 4 amazing children. Yes, they are still my whole world and will always come before me. But, in this moment I treated myself (and my husband for a wedding present).

I am in shock and awe of Lindsays photos. She is the most talented photographer! She makes the most beautiful art! Her message of empowering women is captivating. Natalie with her flawless makeup skills. The whole team is phenomenal. This was absolutely outside my comfort zone, yet it didn’t feel like that at all. Lindsay and Natalie effortlessly make you feel comfortable in your own skin, even in your most vulnerable moments.

This was my Phoenix moment. You are enough mama!

Strong and beautiful. I am unforgivingly me. ” -Ms S

Over the past 6 years, more than 600 women have stripped down in front of my camera to rediscover their beauty. In crafting nearly 400,000 frames of these beautiful humans of all shapes, sizes, and colors, I’ve discovered firsthand just how deeply damaging our culture’s obsession with beauty propaganda is and how true it is across the board and across all ways of life. Sure, we can all head down to a doctor’s office and change what we don’t like seeing, but will that heal the way your brain interprets what it’s seeing?

Here’s what Ms. N had to say about her Self Love Experience.

“Ever since I can remember, I’ve always been extremely insecure when it came to my body and my lack of curves. Society, and especially black culture, makes it difficult for those of us who lack those desired shapes to feel secure. I even went to a plastic surgeon for a consultation for a BBL. I don’t judge any person who does make that decision to have plastic surgery, but I decided to invest that money in an experience instead. In myself.

You may be able to change your body but self love and acceptance comes from within.

Our bodies are art. Fall in love with yourself. Although it was my second boudoir experience, it was my first with Lindsay. The experience was just as liberating and empowering. Lindsay is AMAZING and you can tell she loves what she does and it shines through during the session. She makes you feel so powerful. Natalie is an artist and really made me glow with my makeup. I’m usually simple but I let her take the reigns and she made me feels so glamorous. I loved it. I just have to say. I’m forever grateful and happy I decided to do this shoot. Invest in yourself.”

– Ms. N

This work has not just been about healing my clients, but each person I meet is also healing me and my trauma and is part of this journey that I’m on to heal from the awful things that I went through when I was younger. Everybody comes in with different stories. Not everybody’s got a sob story, but every single woman has a story that impacts you. They just change a microcosm of who you are as a person each time.

Here’s what Ms. J had to say about her Self Love Experience.

“This was hands down THE most amazing experience of my life.
Since I was young I never felt like the pretty girl, I was always the fat darker skinned girl who all the adults thought were pretty but no guys my age. Which followed me to college.
A time in your life that’s supposed to be the time of your life turned out to be the worst year of my life. I was attacked and raped and ended up with a back, ankle and facial injury that’s a constant reminder of a time I thought I was dirty and nothing and unwanted. Now that I’ve dealt with all of those feelings over all of those years, I never still quite felt like I truly deserved everything I’ve wanted.
During this experience with Lindsay and Natalie I, for the first time felt like I was beautiful and someone saw me for me and still found me beautiful without knowing about my background. I wasn’t being judged for the way my stomach hangs over my leggings and I’m not the typical “pretty girl”. I was told with sincerity how beautiful I was and how great I looked in these clothes and how I, ME, I was powerful.
That was a statement that resonated so hard with me. I was powerful, and I felt every bit of it.
I was in a loving safe environment that just upon walking into the front doors you start feeling all they have to offer you.
I never in a million years thought I’d be able to look at a full length picture of myself and not cringe, criticizing every inch of my body, but I didn’t I looked at them and thought god damn I’m hot!! Looking at me and loving me for who I am and embracing myself is something I never thought I’d be able to do. Thank you for that opportunity.” – Ms. J

It’s not the, Oh, I took sexy pictures. It’s the, I made the decision to do something that scares me. I made the decision to trust someone new and I made the decision to step outside of my comfort zone and confront my body in a way that I never have before. So I think that’s really what makes it as empowering as it is. It’s not just sexy pictures. It’s an entire experience that really comes together to help our clients take that next step into themselves. A step into who they want to be and who they see themselves as, without anybody else telling them what that is.
The stars aligned for this session to happen when it did. Read below to hear her story!

“When I did my Self Love Experience, it was a total surprise and I only had about a week to get ready for it. While I had been wanting to do it for a couple of years, I was completely unprepared. My body was not where I wanted it to be, but I knew I had to go for it anyway. Upon arrival, the energy radiating from Lindsay, Natalie and Randi was unbelievable! They made me feel like I had known them for years, I was immediately comfortable with them, and SO excited for my day! During my styling session, they helped me figure out exactly what worked and what didn’t, without ever making me feel bad about the things I brought that weren’t right for my shoot. Next was hair and makeup. Natalie is amazing! She’s so sweet and so good at what she does! I felt like a total rockstar during and especially when she was done with me. Then it was time to start posing.. Lindsay was born to do this! She has this way about her, she sees what you can be in her head, and helps get you there. She helps you pose from your face and body, to your fingers and toes. Any nerves that I had beforehand vanished, and there were quite a bit of those! I felt sexy, for one of the first times in my life. I’d felt cute, and sometimes pretty, but thanks to Lindsay I knew that I could include sexy now, too! Before leaving I saw a few of my photos from the back of the camera and I could not believe that I was looking at myself! I left with so much confidence that was not there when I arrived. Between my shoot and going to see my photos, I think I forgot that feeling a little bit. But seeing myself again was incredible! Lindsay truly sees all the beauty in you and makes you see it too. This is, by far, one of my favorite things that I’ve ever done for me! I wouldn’t trade the experience, or the things I’ve gained from it for anything.” – Ms. M

Today I hand the mic fully over to this client.

Read below to hear her story!

“Have you ever felt so beaten down, so useless so depressed, so unworthy, so defeated that it seems like there is no end in sight? Because this girl has. My story goes back to when I was young starting in middle school. I was not a popular girl in any sense of the word. I didn’t really have any friends, in fact I was teased almost every day. I used to get called a monkey, people would say “oh does the monkey want a banana” , walking through the halls my peers would walk by me and make monkey faces at me. I can even remember a time where a guy sitting in class pulled a tissue out of the box and pretended like he was pulling out of my bra and shouted “look the monkey stuffs her bra”. I became bitter, I started getting in fights, I started to withdraw, I started to be depressed and anxious all the time. I was becoming a person I never was and that I certainly never wanted to be. After middle school, I met my first “true love”. He was a “dream“ or so I thought. Had I already found the one I would spend my life with at 16? Possibly…. it started off amazing, he was proud to call me his girlfriend, he wanted to show me off, he wanted the world to know. But, a year in a switch flipped. My “dream” turned into a horror movie. Then started the mental and physical abuse. I would hide the marks with makeup, smile in front of everyone, but cry myself to sleep, I put on a really good show. Until one day the show was over. I was walking down the hallway of my high school and during the change of periods, with him by my side, he caught a glimpse of me looking at a guy walking past. He grabbed me by my hair slammed me to the ground, spit in my face, and started kicking me. He was quickly pulled off of me and I was taken to a safe space. Traumatised…. if that’s even the word…. “did that really just fucking happen?” It replayed and replayed in my head for months. But somehow I still “loved” him, but later found out it was the idea of being loved. I had annexed the friends I did have, lost my outgoing personality, lost my life as I knew it. “Why wasn’t I good enough?” “What could I have done differently?” “ Maybe if I hadn’t been so hard to deal with he wouldn’t have hit me.” Crazy right? Anyways, After that I started over compensating just to try and fit in again. Partying, wearing the skimpiest clothes I could find, and sleeping around ALOT. I wanted that girl back, I wanted her back so badly I would do it no matter the cost. It all became so overwhelming. Why couldn’t I just be good enough? I was spiraling, I became depressed and anxious to the point that I literally was making myself sick. I lost a ton of weight, I couldn’t keep food down, had constant abdominal pain, I was sure there was a medical reason for feeling this way. I went to so many doctors, specialists, you name it I saw them, just to find out in the end that crippling anxiety was the reason for my “illness.” The next year I didn’t return to school because of the embarrassment. I received in home tutoring and became a hermit. After high school the cycle seemed to continue. I kept attracting these ASSHOLES and it all came back to “I’ll just never be good enough.” I had no purpose, I didn’t know where I was going in life, I was lost. Working at a local pizzeria I met a guy that, again, seemed great. He seemed to have his head on his shoulder, a good job, he treated me well, he made me smile, my parents liked him, I felt like I was getting myself back. One day my mom who worked at a local high school called me and said “ Jessica you have to meet this guy that just started teaching here.” Here we go…. “Mom you know I’m living with someone right?” “But Jessica you are going to marry him I just know it.” Thinking nothing of the conversation I went home that night and received a message from a women, we will call her Karen. She proceeded to tell me she had been seeing my then boyfriend for quite sometime and that he had told her he would leave me for her. Well apparently it wasn’t soon enough for her. That night he came home I had one of his dress shirts on, high heels, cute panties, and amazing dinner ready, you get the gist. Got him all riled up ( I was actually really proud of myself for how Well I planned it out😂😂) just to present the message to him that I knew what he’d been doing. He begged and pleaded for me to stay, he said “ I’ll marry you tomorrow if that’s what you want.” For the first time in my young adult life I stuck to my guns and moved out the next day. I swore I wasn’t going to put myself out there again, I wasn’t going to be vulnerable, love was just never in the cards for me. But finally after weeks of being badgered by my mom, in an effort to shut her up I went to meet this “mystery man.” I will never forget it. My mom pulled him out of a football meeting, which still to this day mortifies him 😂 as he stumbled to find any words he gave my mom his number (which I never intended to use). A few weeks later I get a text from an unfamiliar number and who is it but the mystery man. He was very persistent to say the least. He sent me message after message to just go to lunch with him, and by this time what those words meant to me were “hey let’s hook up”. So to get him off my back ( which never happened) he’s still on it until this day… pun intended… I went to lunch with him. And that’s what it was… just lunch…. he was a gentleman. HOLY SHIT! About 2 weeks in I knew I was in love with him. This was no “puppy love” this was head over heels in love. My mom was right and 2 years later we got married (and she never let me forget it). We started trying to have kids right after we were married, miscarriage after miscarriage, negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test. 7 years of infertility treatment, I gave up. I broke. I begged for him to leave me. I couldn’t give him what he deserved. This wasn’t what he signed up for. But he didn’t give up on me. In September of 2017 we gave it one last shot using IVF. On November 27th 2017 we found out our lives were about to change in a Big way. I was PREGNANT! I always dreamed of having a dream pregnancy. The cute belly, the baby kicks, all the things….. well as you can see from my story thus far that is far from how it went. I threw up every single day until I was 32 weeks pregnant. In the midst of all of this on April 20,2018 my mom got diagnosed with stage 4 non small cell lung cancer and was given 6 months to live. I won’t get into everything that my mom did for me in those months, but even at her sickest she fought to see my son be born. I gave birth to my son at 34 weeks on July 5,2018. After that my mom decided to stop treatment and was ready to be free of her pain and suffering. She spent everyday she possibly could with my son over the next 3 months. He was her baby. But I digress. I was hit hard with PPD and PPA, and October 22, 2018 my mother was called home to the angels. I lost my best friend. I wanted it all to end, I wanted to be left alone, self care was non existent and I felt like I was a shitty mother. At that point even that innocent, sweet, miracle baby couldn’t save me. I had to be hospitalized, I started therapy, and medication and came back stronger than ever. And then December 28,2018 on my mothers birthday I found out 5 months post partum I was pregnant on my own. How in the ever living fuck was I supposed to do this? I couldn’t be good enough for 1 child how was I ever going to be good enough for 2? I could barely keep my head above water. After many long nights of worry and questioning the pregnancy ( I hate even saying that) we decided it was time to tell our families. We got negative backlash and feelings of disappointment. I think that’s how we thrived and came out on top. And then life kicked us straight in the balls again. On March 15,2018 my son and I were sitting in the living room after he had woken from his nap. The next thing I hear is smoke detectors going off and the smell of smoke. I quickly ran to see where the smell was coming from. There were flames coming from the wall in the bedroom my son and I had just come out of about 20 minutes before. Almost 4 months pregnant I threw my son in his car seat, called my husband because what in the actual fuck ( in which his response “call 911 why are you on the phone with me!!!!!) called 911, got the dogs out of the house, threw everyone in the car and pulled the car into the road. Within minutes our home, my husbands childhood home, the home we were supposed to raise our family in was engulfed in flames. 5 fire departments, the Red Cross, every police station in surrounding area were trying to get the fire under control. Not a diaper, a bottle, a container of food, or a pot to piss in, every single memory gone in the blink of an eye. To add insult to injury later that evening after the Red Cross had put us in a hotel the town fire sirens had gone off. My husband looked at me and said “it’s our house again, I know it’s our house.” Our home caught fire a second time and at that point, our home was a total loss. We spent the next 3 months living in a hotel. Myself, my husband, our almost 7 month old, my mother in law, and a baby on the way. If there was ever a silver lining it is being able to sit here and tell my story. After those 3 months we found a new home and shortly after my son turned 1 on July 25,2019 we welcomed our second son. Here came the PPD again rearing it’s ugly head, but this time ten fold. I felt dead inside, I was never going to be a good mom, a good wife, a good anything for that matter. Again being on medication and seeing a therapist I started to feel more like myself. But then I started having the body image issues. How was I supposed to rock this new “mom bod” I had never seen a stretch mark on my body before kids and now my whole body was over taken by them. I needed to do something for myself, I needed to feel beautiful, I needed “Jess” back. One day I was scrolling through good old Facebook and found that Lindsay who I’d been following for quite sometime had posted a Black Friday special. I immediately booked a shoot. Then the self doubt kicked in. “What would people think?” “What will my kids think of me when they get older?” All the what ifs. The day came for my shoot and as soon as I met Lindsay and Natalie I felt like I’d known them forever. From the personal styling, to the hair and makeup, to the “fuck yes”, “oh my god”, I was getting from Lindsay, I knew that this was just what I needed. I felt fucking perfect. I felt empowered. I felt strong. I felt good enough. I embraced my body for what it is. Things that I still feel to this day. Things I Haven’t felt in years. I know what you are thinking “get to the point already.” So here it is. Everyone has struggles. And to anyone taking the time to read this YOU CAN GET THROUGH ANYTHING! You can leave that toxic relationship, you can beat domestic violence, you can regain your confidence, you can feel good enough because you are good enough! If you are going through hard times- I see you sis, if you need a listening ear- I’m here for you, if you need validation- I’m your girl. If you need living proof that anything is possible- LOOK AT ME! This experience was exactly what I needed. Lindsay and Natalie are fucking godesses. They truly care, they encourage you, they want you to be empowered. Even still I’m facing new obstacles. My life is far from perfect or a fairytale. But this experience has truly taught me the meaning of “if life throws you curves you gotta learn to swerve.” You are beautiful, you are strong, you are worthy, you are fucking amazing. Each and everyone of you. It took me some Lindsay to bring me back to life. And I am forever grateful. Do this for yourself. Fuck everyone else. Live life for you. Eat the whole pizza, eat all the cake, drink all the drinks, wear those two piece bikinis and wear them proudly stretch marks and all!!! And most importantly love yourself EVERY. DAMN.DAY! With this experience came much perspective. I don’t care who judges me, who likes me, or approves of me…because I LOVE me and that’s all that matters. I can honestly say that I feel like I am the best version of me that I have ever been. I feel like a better wife, mother, sister and friend. And no it’s not because of a few pictures. It the experience. It’s Lindsay. It’s her encouraging me, showing me and helping me prove to myself I am a women of strength. It’s a self love experience. I have never shared my story to this extent, not many people know the real me. But here I am, bearing it all. From the bottom of my heart, Lindsay Rae- you have changed my life for the better and I will never forget what you have done for me. I feel like I have found a forever friend in you. I’m “me” again and I’m never letting her go again. Thanks for listening to my TED talk.

Love and Light,
Jess”

Message from a white girl:

Where do I even begin? Maybe I will reintroduce myself first…. My name is Lindsay Rae, I am a 33 year old mom and the LR behind LRP.

The world is falling apart around us, but is that “world” really just the shattering of the cloak we have all been blindly and unknowingly hiding under our entire lives?

The one that keeps us from seeing the pain and sacrifice of others who don’t look like us? The one hidden from us in school that kept us blind to the real disturbingly painful and racist history of our country?

Maybe we are all just finally waking up and seeing how privileged we are that we never HAD to know the pain.

I used to say I was embarrassed to admit how little I actually know. How “Not Woke” I was. Now I say that I am proud that I am able to use modern resources (hey Google) to educate myself on the things that our education system (even worse growing up in Florida which still thinks it is part of the South) failed to teach us.

They call it “woke” for a reason, and that is because it really feels like you are waking up and seeing a world that has always existed while we lived our lives completely unaware of others not directly connected to us…almost in a dream state of blindness because we never had to face it directly.

What the world really needs right now is saving from ourselves.

It hurts, it is ugly, it is uncomfortable, it makes you feel extremely guilty for not knowing before…. but if we cannot see the damage how are we supposed to fix it?

Don’t let yourself get stuck in an opinion just because you had it before and feel it makes you look like a hypocrite if you change your stance. If you need someone to blame, blame our educational system for not teaching us and letting us fall into this falsehood of equality, when for Black people that equality is just simply not there.

Now that I have said my piece, let’s toss it down to Taylor to talk about her own Self Love Experience in the midst of the changing world around us.

“When LRP sends you a message asking you to do a socially-distanced safe photo shoot on a beautiful day in May, you say yes –even though the world couldn’t be any crazier right now and there are probably a million reasons to say no at any given time.

I’ve been familiar with Lindsay’s work for a while now, though, which helped me press send on my reply something along the lines of, “of course, let’s do it.” Lindsay took the time to sit down with me last winter to talk more about the Self Love Experience for Two Buttons Deep, and I’d also had the chance to see her behind the camera during a styled shoot in her studio a few months after. Both of these experiences with Lindsay, on top of following her incredible imagery and self love success stories on social media, made me feel like I could totally do this. Why not? It was something to look forward to and a chance to be creative in an outdoor, editorial shoot to celebrate the potential of coming out of isolation just in time for summer.

Yet, as empowering and authentic as her work is, I still felt like maybe I wasn’t ready to open myself up to something so vulnerable and new. It’s not like I was the most committed to a clean eating, healthy living and exercise focused quarantine routine, so surely that would show on camera, I thought. And I’d done shoots before, but in much more conservative clothing –like a bridal gown, not a bathing suit. But, when I tried on the looks for Lindsay in advance, I felt comfortable that we’d make it work and create something beautiful that reflects me right now and achieve the vision she had for the shoot.

With everything else going on, was the timing right? I mean, I couldn’t say no –and then it just so happened that the experience of the shoot itself ended up being a bright spot before many more darker days that followed.

Just a few days before our shoot, George Floyd was murdered in police custody and a powerful, emotional movement began to sweep our entire country and world to bring Black Lives Matter back to the forefront where it belongs. It’s been an extremely troubling and eye opening time since then, with one of the many takeaways being for us to acknowledge our privilege and recognize the work that’s left to be done to create real change and inspire hope for a more equal future.

The last thing I could think about was getting this gallery back from Lindsay, knowing the timing would be far from right to share or post these images without first acknowledging the state of our country and world, and starting to make progress to find ways to help and support the community. This just can’t be the type of thing where we share our support publicly and move onto whatever our own form of “regularly scheduled programming” might be. I don’t know personally when I will be ready for that.

What we can do, though, is continue to listen and support, creatively express ourselves and improve in areas where we feel we can make a positive difference. I understand even something as simple as having a fun, creative opportunity like this and feeling inspired and empowered by Lindsay’s work is a privilege as well, and I know that. People like Lindsay are committed to being on the forefront of making change and giving a voice and a perspective that should be welcome right now. And I’m glad to have been able to witness her work yet again, feel the confidence she can give someone firsthand, and know that these images will always mean something to me, even as a reminder of what I was doing during this extremely important moment in time.” – Taylor Rao