Hope all of you have been holding up ok! I am starting to really understand and identify with caged animals who make a run for it as soon as the doors are opened.
The 1 hour car rides I take daily have become my salvation throughout this entire Pandemic.
Socially Distant. Music AS LOUD AS THE FUCK I WANT. No one on the roads. Windows down with fresh air. My only sense of freedom and control during this lock-down.
That one word dictates so much for me. After being dependent on a man in a marriage for 10 years I finally established my own financial freedom and control over my own choices without guilt or fear of judgement attached. In a single day, a mandate by a single man, forced my business to close it’s doors for (at least) 45 days (and counting.)
How would I be able to survive and continue to maintain control over my own life if my financial situation was once again outside of MY control?
Having to depend on the US Treasury and our Banks instead of our own resourcefulness and talents….all of whom we have no control over.
I have heard from friends who are trying to claim unemployment that they have called over 400 times, spent 8 hours on hold and no answers. no control.
I think the thing that this pandemic has taught me is how fragile our control over our worlds really is. It took 1 man to take it all away.
While I want to just scream and be fucking angry (oh trust me I have done that part already) I have finally moved into a place of acceptance.
Trust me when I say this did not come without some hardwork, therapy and alot of fucking mistakes. I tried to exert control in all the wrong ways, namely in my existing relationship, where I am with a man who simply does not let my bullshit fly and reminds me of reality. (reason 10202302 why I love him so damn much) But also over myself. Saying to myself if you stay up until 1am and answer every single message from people on the other coast and your fellow insomniacs immediately that I am retaining some control. That if I spend those 10 hours answering emails instead of resting, that I will be in control. That if I sell just 1 more bathingsuit, that I will be in control.
All of those things gave me a false sense of control and power over my situation.
I have accepted my lack of control in our world at the moment and am beginning to find peace in the things that I can control.
Things like how I respond to my partner. Things like having extra patience for my daughter who is also struggling with her world being flipped upside down. Things like making the extra effort to check on friends I know are sick every day. Things like getting off my butt to walk the dog and get fresh air. Things like brushing my hair in the morning. Things like unfollowing anyone on social media who triggers my anxiety about the pandemic (that snooze for 30 days is essential during this time! learn to use it ladies!) Things like choosing what news to consume and how often to consume it.
Things like my image of my own body.
While there is so much in this world that is out of my control right now, I have to choose to focus on what I can control.
This is the same concept I have when it comes to body image.
I had someone on instagram yesterday ask me how I am so comfortable in my body and my answer was that I have trained my eye to look at the parts of myself that I like and to let the rest of me fall out of focus.
I am not a body positivity activist that says you have to love every single part of yourself. No, I don’t love my lower loose belly from my c-section or my double chin….HOWEVER when I look in the mirror I CHOOSE not to look at those parts of myself. This is something I have CONTROL over. I choose to look at my round breasts, and my almond eyes, my long legs, my good brows. I choose what parts of myself to look at and what parts of myself to let fade away into the background.
I think that is part of what makes the Self Love Experience so important. It is an opportunity for me to bring into focus all of the beautiful and amazing parts of you and training your eye to view yourself the way the rest of the world sees you. Trust me, no one is looking at your tummy buldge, or the little stretch marks showing through your crop top. They are looking at you.
We CAN train and control our eyes to choose to look at ourselves.
While so much is out of our control….I am learning how to control things in my life I never had the ability to control before.
Read below about this babes Self Love Experience and don’t forget we have a SALE on 2021 dates that is going on as long as “NY is on PAUSE.”
“Last time I did a Boudoir shoot was in 2013 for my husband.
As my 45th birthday approaches, I found my self looking back on my life & all the hard struggles & test that keep getting put in my path.
Never Did I think I would be,
2. see the place my family was going to live through w my x husbands brain injury.
This time I did this shoot for me.
I need to learn how to find myself again & be the best I can be for my kids because It is just us against this crazy place called life!
Lindsay & Natalie were amazing to work with! I gave them 100% control of my photo shoot! And for this control freak, that’s big!! hahaha